I will now the list the shitty/bully-esque acts by Bacteria:
- Made out with my high school crush while telling him that I had just recovered from gender reassignment...and that I was gay...(Don't they negate themselves?)
- Told another boy I was interested that I was on my way to becoming a nun
- Consistently stole my homework...I know what youre thinking, Vanessa, you probably let her. And yes, I gladly shared my homework..I knew no one when I got to high school! If homework sharing meant bench sitting with a partner, then bring it the fuck on.
- Spread a rumor that I was pregnant, this was still at a time when I had no idea that my vagina was a self lubricating goddess or that a penis actually looked so cute...the circumcised ones...
Now, I have to say, the above is just the highlight, and its only freshman year that I am referencing. Lets just say Bacteria was more a frenemy. Here is the thing, I had friends like this in elementary. And I would get swept up in the childish bullshit, there would be a little girl hissy fit and then things were great. I thought this was what happened in high school too. But I had no idea the impact or hurt that I was going to feel. And to top it off...this bitch was never sorry!!!!!!! Its not like she stole barbie's favorite sweater and then returned, and we spent the rest of the afternoon playing fashion model show. Oh no, this was much more serious.
Bacteria was on a one way path, and along with a few other victims, were pieces of pavement that made her road smooth.
There were a few nights that I cried. I would wake, begging my mom to let me stay home. Since my mom's very karmic Catholic answer was "ignora las, Dios se las pagara" or "ignore them, God will pay them back" I would often fake a stomach ache or force myself to sound like I was an old black man so that my would think I had a cold. This would of course backfire because my mom's remedy for illness is a tall glass of lemon juice and a spoonful of garlic. The resulting belches and farts made me less popular.
I didn't do a diary, I didn't wonder why me, but I did start to question if this was it...do the Bacteria's of life continue to flourish while the cells become infected?
Bacteria did great in high school. She was gorgeous, long hair, great dates to the dances. And that was my lesson, the pretty ones always prevail, there is karmic retribution. I was going to be OK because I was awesome all on my own. Yeah, I was pretty popular reading my personal copy of "The Bell Jar" in the corner of the media center. The point is, I made it the fuck out without killing myself or Bacteria...
I was strolling the aisles of Target when something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. Here is where I am about to get petty on this enormous universal scale.
What I caught out of the corner of my eye...was a barrel sized human being...BACTERIA. The girl had exploded in more ways than one. She had an additional chin, super sized. Her boobs and stomach were at an alarming parallel that extended far beyond any moderately obese person. And the cherry on top, a snot nosed child that looked like he would stink of something a cadaver wouldn't want to get near. I had heard through the whispers and gossip that she had gotten knocked up and a little fat. But I never expected Jabba's cousin.
Again, I realize how petty and immature this is all sounding. But I am OK with this fact. I didn't have to do anything to her, I didn't have to tell her off, or have a boxing match. In fact, I didn't' even like what I saw. Because way before I had seen what gravity did to her stomach, I had already forgotten about Bacteria. She had no longer affected me. But there was and is a small part of me that felt like, "huh, mom was right".
And high school is OVER.