Thursday, March 28, 2013

Letter to retarded 16 year old Vanessa

Dear 16 year old Vanessa,

You are a fucking idiot...

You are not going to end up married to Alex Siquig...although you two will be great friends for many years to come, as weird as that may seem to a lot of people. Alex may not be that man you marry by the age of 25 after graduating college at 22 and living in this white picket fence, but he is the one that helped mold the nerdy, music appreciating, movie watching (Yojimbo) girl/woman that you are today. Thanks dude. I owe you my first born.

And no, you will not be "settled" and popping out kids by the time you are 25. That is bullshit, and you are going to think that's bullshit by the time you are 25. In fact by 25 you will have made some serious mistakes with some not worthy people that will completely alter and shatter your view. But your view won't be shattered forever, and your ego will recover.

You are going to want to have a career and know what you want to do with the rest of your life by the time you are twenty. Despite what others may say, you are going to change your mind well into your late twenties. Don't worry, people evolve, its ok to not want to go to law school. It's ok if the path you choose may not offer the most money, just make sure you love and respect the person you are becoming.

Not everything is a battle. Even relationships, friendly or romantic. Some things are going to come easy, and people are going to make you feel amazing. Cherish and respect these people. There will be a lot of "friends" that will come and go. Many will surprise, disappoint, even hurt. As hard as it is, its ok to distance yourself from these people. At times they can be toxic and in the long run you will be better off with less assholes. In fact, by the time you are twenty eight you will realize that a small group of amazing people in your life will be much better than being surrounded by a multitude of cock suckers.

Your family is not your enemy. They love you, always. You won't get that right now. You'll think they are against you in everything. You will make a judgement against them...and that needs to stop. Because one day you will realize that these people are your best friend, and that for all the fuck ups, all the tears, and the mean words, they are always the ones that want to love and comfort you when you are at your lowest. Don't forget to tell them how awesome they are to you.

Pee after sex. I mean it, this is important. You are not getting this concept right now..but you will. Trust me, it will save a lot of discomfort later on. It might not seem romantic, and I don't mean pee right then and there when you finish, but fuck cuddling. Get your ass out of bed, or wherever you are, and go pee. JUST DO IT.

You will love, but one day you will fall in love. And every doubt, every question you had on life and relationships will be answered, and things will seem brighter and easier. It won't be like a stupid rom-com, but it will be so much better. More than anything you would ever dream. And even though you act tough and mean right now, you will soften a little more with this person, get mushy and at times disgusting with your public display and profession of love...and you are going to love it.

Thanks babe. You are my life.

Try not to rush in to being an adult...you are going to be here so much sooner than you think.


10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. that's the way I see it. Just bam and scoot over!

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  2. Hahaha! great advice, especially the pee after sex!

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    Replies
    1. I really wish I had known this little fact in my "infancy" of sexing...

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  3. Pee after sex - that may just be the best advice in the world. (That and don't eat yellow snow.) Great letter!

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha! Thanks! It should really be included as part of sex ed.

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  4. I think one day you will write one to the 28 year old. Trust me!

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    1. Dear 28 year old Vanessa,

      You are not going to regret being an attorney, ever. Because guess what, at 25+ you realized you hated lawyers and that you loved to write.

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    2. EDIT: Not going to regret not being an attorney...those fucking double negatives.

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  5. bwaaahahahahaha! I hadn't even thought to give my 16yr old self sexual advice! Boy, could I have used some of those.

    JUST DO IT! should have been the slogan for peeing after sex while female instead of NIKE. Best. Advice. Ever!

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