Travel Tuesday - The one where I tell you how to travel

So this is where I give you tips and suggestions on how to travel without being an uptight asshole.

Booking the flight: In general, you have to be vigilant on sales and promotions that are offered from time to time. If its a domestic flight, Southwest offers a rapid rewards program, while sending promotional emails weekly. Southwest can be pricey, but the promotions are phenomenal. And when booking, always try to book anywhere from 40 to 60 days prior to your trip. The fares tend to go up when there are less than 40 days.
International flights are a little tricky. I've used Lufthansa, Austrian Airlines, and British Airways. From experience, I can confidently tell you that AIRLINES SUCKS!!!! They re-route you to some bummed out Scandinavian country, they lose your luggage. Do not ever fly Austrian. Lufthansa, although a little pricier, is comfortable and semi luxurious  And if you are a freak of nature who likes her international travel plans to be settled ten months prior to the trip, you can always find a flight for less than $1,000 round trip. Same goes for British, although not near as posh as Lufthansa.
Finding deals on an international flight is a little harder but can be obtained. Cheap-O-Air consistently provides cheap flight options that include Lufthansa, British Airways, Virgin Atlantic, etc. Recently we booked our honeymoon flights to Belgium and Germany for 1300 a pop.

Flight Essentials: If your trip duration is less than a week, carry on. Remember that you can carry on one small luggage, and one personal item. Because the carry on luggage will be in the overhead storage, make sure that you have the following in your personal item bag - headphones, music player, phone, books (multiple if you are like me and need to read more than one book at time), magazines (pictures and small articles are a nice break from lines and lines of text), hand sanitizer, tissues, snacks, a rosary (for us superstitious folk) etc. It is hard enough to get up for a bathroom break, making the act of getting out of your seat, opening a storage bins when you are in flight an awkward nightmare.
However, if you are gone for more than a week, and will need to check a bag, make sure that you have the following in your carry on, especially if your flight requires at least one connection - Clean change of chonis (trust me, nothing says comfort like changing the 10 hour sat in underwear at the first opportunity), toothbrush and toothpaste (the recycled air will make your breath stale and you'll reek of corpse vagina), change of clothes (in case the checked in luggage doesn't make it to your destination), deodorant and make up, because come on...what if Ralph Fiennes is in the seat next to you! MILE HIGH CLUB!(JK...I am spoken for...)
I tend to dress up when I am flying because I am a psycho and always wonder "what if we crash and I am dressed like an asshole...I need to look cute". And mind you, not even lost luggage and having to wander the cobblestone of Venice for 24 hours in 6 inch platforms deters me from this practice. Practicality is for assholes.

Your Accommodations: Ideally you want to be as frugal as possible. However, a few things I learned that are very important in choosing your accommodations - Firstly, a modicum of cleanliness is essential. But also, research your location. Check the reviews, make sure that where you are staying is not in some obscure out of the way neighborhood. Stay within a reasonable distance of a major attraction. That way, when you stumble out of the local discotheque wondering how to speak German to the Italian cabbie, you'll at least be able to get close to your destination. Also, make sure your place is close to public transit, its convenient and cheap. If you are staying for a week or more in one place, try to rent an apartment, its cheaper and much more private. This was not as common when I began my travel excursions over ten years ago, but with the advent of sites like AirBnb, and Craigslist continually listing vacation homes all over the world, you will be able to find an affordable, comfortable, and awesome temporary home for your vacation.

Now to the good stuff. You can plan all you want, but please bear the thought that PLANS will go astray. That's ok, you are on a fucking vacation. Disorder should be at the top of your to do list. Go out for a coffee and chat someone up. You will learn so much about the city, receiving greater recommendations that no travel book will ever provide. Walk! Walk everywhere, turn a corner off the main street. Get lost! Not literally, but just wander. See it all on foot. You won't get that same feeling and experience from a tour bus.

Never ever get drunk alone! Never. Yes, I have been a shit show many of times, and a few of those alone. But this is fucking retarded and should not be practiced. Have a few, relax and enjoy, but stay conscious of everything and everyone. Locals are friendly...but so are rapists. If its available, try doing a pubcrawl. Not only will you meet other tourists, but you'll safely be traversing the streets, making a mental note of where to check out next when you are on your own. And believe me, the conversations and memories you make on the pub crawls are those that will mold the stories of your whole trip. Denmarkian is now a word I will forever use with a story for how it is used.

Do the touristy stuff. I nearly skipped that gondola ride because of its pocket raping price of 80 euros. But how the hell do you go to Venice and not take a ride on the gondola!? Yes it was pricey, but the gondolier was cute and he was able to score some wine from one of the canal side restaurants. AND HE SANG TO ME! It was something out of a Henry James movie remake. I even went to Oktoberfest. And although I paid a shit load to stay in a hotel in Munich (300 american a night) it was the best experience of my life. I slept on the sidewalk, with a Romanian girl as we swapped stories of our parents, but please don't tell my parents I did that.

Rent a moped, go to the beach, sit and do nothing. You never know if you will ever get to go back. I am fortunate for the opportunity to visit some of my favorites in this world more than once. But you really don't know if you will ever get to go back. So go and keep your eyes open. Don't fuss with a travel book. Immerse in to that world. And don't ever ask if someone speaks American, or if the Italian restaurant serves Margaritas ... they don't know that back home a margarita is drink, not a pizza. You'll end up with the most confusing conversation ever and if you are anything like me, you will probably cry.

Now go!

Acrostic Schmostic

So for this TT post...we were told to do an acrostic poem...NAILED IT!

Have you ever been so
Interested in something that all aspects of your life consumed by it?
Sometimes I catch myself making the most abstract of references, comparing
The modern to an ancient past.
Or trying to find a parallel between the events of today with the kings of yesterday.
Regularly I am looked and referred to as a nerd.
Its intent to demean what you after making so many references to World War II,
And sometimes the audience can't seem to grasp the concept, so I get called a
Nazi!

Documentary watching Part I - How to Die

I have decided that since I enjoy depressing subjects, that I would share my views, opinions of the depressing documentaries I continually watch, with you, my gentle and loyal readers. For as much I enjoy a fictional film, there is something left imprinted in me as a person, as a writer, something that ignites an inspiration, a fire of sorts.

I had viewed the documentary before. And it mad me cry then, and yet this time when I watched, it was much different.
"How to Die in Oregon". How to die. To Die. That is exactly what was explored in this film. The documentary explains the Death With Dignity Act currently in place in Oregon. To some it is barbaric, something inhumane to have such a law in place. A law that allows a doctor to prescribe a lethal medication to a patient that is terminally ill. But to those that are in pain, to those that suffer, it is a haven, a last attempt to control the uncontrollable.

What makes it so much more heart wrenching is the introduction of humanity, the people, with their smiles and their jokes, that are painfully dying, seeking a respite in this legislation.

I was raised a Catholic, I was raised that taking your own life is a sin. There is a special place in purgatory for the ones that take their own life. But I have never truly believed that. I have been in immense pain, wondering when and how it was ever going to relieve. I can not imagine living a life in constant pain. My chronic back pain now suffices to prompt a moodiness to which the day's tone is set.

But the film and its participants joyfully created this reason, a context for which an early exit of life was necessary and completely reasonable. For one woman, the enormous collection of bodily fluid, the pain of her organs being crushed under the obtrusive tumor was more than she could bear. She didn't want to die crying in pain, she wanted to kiss her children good night, thank her husband for the wonderful life, and drift into a sleep. In the end, in the last breath after she had taken the very last and lethal dose of medication she would ever take, she said, "oh this is good, this is easy. Thank you."

The babe and I huddled together on our couch as we watched this documentary. For me it was more of a morbid curiosity that led me to the viewing, for my poor unsuspecting love, it was sprung on him by force. But as always, being the good sport that he consistently is, he sat there and watched, quite possibly got kicked in the face, which could be the only explanation for the tear that appeared in the corner of his eye. I had often joked that I would have to be the one that died first, that I could not possibly live a life without him. After watching the descent of these peoples whose lives we had just emotionally bank rolled, he stated, "you can't die first". I sympathize with this request.
I just might acquiesce.

Letter to retarded 16 year old Vanessa

Dear 16 year old Vanessa,

You are a fucking idiot...

You are not going to end up married to Alex Siquig...although you two will be great friends for many years to come, as weird as that may seem to a lot of people. Alex may not be that man you marry by the age of 25 after graduating college at 22 and living in this white picket fence, but he is the one that helped mold the nerdy, music appreciating, movie watching (Yojimbo) girl/woman that you are today. Thanks dude. I owe you my first born.

And no, you will not be "settled" and popping out kids by the time you are 25. That is bullshit, and you are going to think that's bullshit by the time you are 25. In fact by 25 you will have made some serious mistakes with some not worthy people that will completely alter and shatter your view. But your view won't be shattered forever, and your ego will recover.

You are going to want to have a career and know what you want to do with the rest of your life by the time you are twenty. Despite what others may say, you are going to change your mind well into your late twenties. Don't worry, people evolve, its ok to not want to go to law school. It's ok if the path you choose may not offer the most money, just make sure you love and respect the person you are becoming.

Not everything is a battle. Even relationships, friendly or romantic. Some things are going to come easy, and people are going to make you feel amazing. Cherish and respect these people. There will be a lot of "friends" that will come and go. Many will surprise, disappoint, even hurt. As hard as it is, its ok to distance yourself from these people. At times they can be toxic and in the long run you will be better off with less assholes. In fact, by the time you are twenty eight you will realize that a small group of amazing people in your life will be much better than being surrounded by a multitude of cock suckers.

Your family is not your enemy. They love you, always. You won't get that right now. You'll think they are against you in everything. You will make a judgement against them...and that needs to stop. Because one day you will realize that these people are your best friend, and that for all the fuck ups, all the tears, and the mean words, they are always the ones that want to love and comfort you when you are at your lowest. Don't forget to tell them how awesome they are to you.

Pee after sex. I mean it, this is important. You are not getting this concept right now..but you will. Trust me, it will save a lot of discomfort later on. It might not seem romantic, and I don't mean pee right then and there when you finish, but fuck cuddling. Get your ass out of bed, or wherever you are, and go pee. JUST DO IT.

You will love, but one day you will fall in love. And every doubt, every question you had on life and relationships will be answered, and things will seem brighter and easier. It won't be like a stupid rom-com, but it will be so much better. More than anything you would ever dream. And even though you act tough and mean right now, you will soften a little more with this person, get mushy and at times disgusting with your public display and profession of love...and you are going to love it.

Thanks babe. You are my life.

Try not to rush in to being an adult...you are going to be here so much sooner than you think.

My Final Wishes

Let me tell you how it's going to go...

There is going to be a huge party! With tequila, chicken chow mein, enchiladas, tacos, beef chow fun, pizza (from round table) and caprese sandwiches. There is going to be a Mexican conjunto playing nothing but Norteno (NOT GANG NORTENO. Region Norteno) music, and then I want an hour of Sid Vicious, Siouxsie and the Banshees, New Order, Weezer, and then Schindler's List and Gone with the Wind playing on a huge screen. Maybe even a clip from Downfall.

There won't be a mass, there won't be an open casket...that shit freaks me the fuck out. And quite honestly, I want people to remember me for my Nazi humor and off colored jokes rather than some gray skinned corpse that for once in her life is quiet.

I can't say that my babe will say some words because after watching this documentary the other day I made this promise that I would wait for him to die first and then I would follow...details to come in the next blog.

I don't want anyone to cry...well...that's a lie. Crying is ok. But I want them all to dance, eat, and be really drunk.

I don't care much about cremation or burying, as long as I am with the babe.

Wear black, I love when people wear black...it looks so fancy.

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: DON'T FORGET THE TEQUILA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dad and his friend

I waited days before calling my aunt to check on the status of a godfather. The week prior her email updates were almost daily, with hopeful and optimistic news. But after the fourth day of no update, I decided it was time to call.

"The cancer has spread, the chemo will shrink it, but it won't be cured."

It was all I heard. I thought of the last phone conversation before the news of the cancer, when I told him I would be in Austin and stopping for a visit during my trip. His response "we will have to make some food, its going to be a big day". And then I thought of the very last conversation with him, the day before his surgery, when he told my dad "I hope you make it down here."

It was a sad and confusing moment after finishing the call with my aunt. I went to my parents and broke the news to my dad. Borrowing my sensitivity from him, I knew he would have tears streaming before I finished my sentence.

"I can't see him like this, its not how I want to remember him."

I thought of my childhood and my first impression of my father and godfather. Two strong Mexican men, beers and smiles in hand. Nights of music, dancing, maybe even a serenade projected by the one to the other. I thought of the wedding in Mexico, when my father, in a state of inebriation, bought my godfather roses and mariachi serenade in the plaza as we headed back to the hotel. I can still feel the soreness on my sides from the laughter at the site of their macho Mexican bromance.

They were great friends, they were young, they were men.

Is this the the happy ending we are all hoping for? No, because someone I care about is going to die sooner than I would like. But what will hurt the most, is the anguish and sadness that will come from my dad. I wont be able to fix it, I can't take it away.

A future style for a future parent

I am not a mother, but I now hope to be one. Therefore, I am unsure on where this post will stand among the seasoned mothers who have bared the cracked nipples, the sleepless nights, the vomit and shit that follows a nine pounder.

But when it comes to parenting I can tell you this much:

I hope that my child says "please" and "thank you" because I taught him to, and because his parents say it to each other.

I hope that my kid loves to laugh, play music, watch old movies.

I hope that my kid loves to read. I hope they hide in a corner with a book larger than them, losing themselves in a sea of printed pages.

I hope that my kid is as cool as my nephews, and as awesome as my god-daughter.

I hope that this kid loves their father as much as I do, admires the man that I fell in love with, and I hope to hear them say, "my mom picked a great dad".

I hope that my future child is more creative than I, envisioning colors and scenes far beyond their imagination.

I hope that my child loves to love, showers us with hugs and loves to be kissed.

I hope that my kid loves what they do in life (unless he is a pedophile... that's a no go...). I hope that they excel in whatever it is that they do. And I don't  mean excel as in a millionaire, but in a personal goal, that they take pride in their position in this life.

I hope that when I reprimand my child, that they will remember that in life there are consequences to our actions, and that I do this because I love them and it is my job to guide them.

I hope that my kid is never bullied, and if they are, that I have done all that I can to reinforce the beauty inside of them. I hope that the belittling words they hear from others will only empower them to become greater and have more compassion for those sad individuals.



I hope that I don't fail them.